Day - 67Reacting to friends I used to constantly be enslaved around, reacting to close friends/my relationship to friends

So not to long ago, I needed to help a friend have a place to stay, is was a friend the used to come over to my neighbors house,which I almost always went over to fr years on end, untill I meet desteni, and haven't seen him since, except when he would get some weed frm my sisters boyfriend here, which he doesn't live here anymore, so now its been a while. Nonetheless, this friend I react to as my close friend, which was a super unhealthy relationship, so unhealthy that it made me drive myself to searching for answers, since at the same time, I started smoki weed extensively for 2 years wi this neighbor, and I basically felt ultra inferior to this friend. So this friend that came over for a short time, till his girlfriend was able to get him, had hardly any reaction to him, and just went about exercising and doing my thing, how ever,I did accumulate mild reactions, but was going to write the, out in relation to my exercise physical participation, which now will be less clear since th current reaction happened on fb.

So, this friend n fb is my neighbors brother, who I was also cose friends with, which actually respected me more than the other friend, but still had many of his attributes, which thus I inevitably reflected, and had much conflict in my mind, but never had manifestations happen where we would fight, in contrary to his younger brother/neighbor.

Nonetheless, basically, my whole process seemed to hit me at once, the fears that used to effect me towards everyone, came up when this friend commented on another friends status, which I actually in consequence allowed this reaction, because I essentially accumulated the ego of impressing, through this status, and then basically is other friend put me down for my statement, like an immediate argument that I could remember us having in relation to when I was looking for answers (this is the neighbors brother) except, funny enough,  this led to the fearfulmemories of his brother, my neighbor.

I actually went into a mild panic attack when I didn't feed into the competition any longer, because I've been quite stable today, and then when this happened, I realized how much I've been ruined by these relationships, and how easily just talking to these people can just make me want to be depressed and I becme extensively less effective because I become so focused on trying to impress these people. Wich this all seems to tie up with the shit I faced last night, and wrote this morning in my morning writing for my journal, which just basically came in this intense cognition after this reaction and had the panic.

So, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have procrastinated writting out my physical participation, t where I had required taking more responsibility for this reaction.

I commit myselfto reread this post, and apply self forgiveness/self corrective statements after focusing n my physical participation poTherefor, sf/sc statements will be on next post to come.