So there seems t be a point of loose ends within myself that seem to compromise myself from allowing myself to breath back to here, and when I get to these points that just absolutely seem nearly impossible to walk through, as if I have a gun being my thoughts, and having those thoughts pointed to my head and being guided around what to do, and then the breathing is wher the mind with the thoughts/the abuser with the gun says "one more funny move and ill blow your brains out/breath and I will be eradicated, so don't breath, FEED ME!"
Another point once I fall within this, is that, its like because I've fallen, that somehow dictates whoi am as a being, and whoi am as the decision maker, and thus I create expectations towards not falling, thus I inevitably will fall, and then once I do fall, I got what I wished for, because the whole point of having stood up was to allow myself to trip over the same stump, and once I stand again, and eradicate the stump on my journey, I know not to hit the stump again, but then I didn't remember that there's possibly some branches that have fallen frm the tree, Nd I trip over th e branches of the tree.
So it seems that once I really start walking, its like, going int this really really tough event, or thing. I would make real co parisons, but to make a really well analogy to this - its as if, I am about to escape prison, except in this case being a more supportive prison I guess lol, r like escaping a video game prison, where I start out with easier bad guys, and I have shit combat skills, but the further I go, the better combat skills, and equally the hard the guards get. So within this process, its like, I know that when I take some tough stands, and am continueing, that I am going to reach some very tough points that will seem nearly impossible to walk throu. So its like, when you get a checkpoint n a video game, and that check point is there for you to go back to and start over to allow yourself to try again, and a the next time I try with the combat skills against the guard again, I can see more n detail why I failed the first time, and why I was maybe even inevitable to fall to an extent the first time because it was a new dimension of skills and challenges, and so the two had to tango enou to connect together and get past to a higher level to a harder guard with better combat skills. So this is practically how it is within my process.
Now, the point that seems to pass me when this occurs, is that I walk throu a point, but I just can't accept the fact of facing a much more challenging point as a keep pushing, and breathing, and then when I find that boss battle/ultimatum of myself within all of the other sequences of dimensions, I have the much lesser chance of making it through the first time, because when that point comes up, its like whether I will really stand with what I've placed skin myself to stand, and because this is lesser currently, is because I accept and allowe myself to second guess my principle, who. A as here, And think, tht just because I'm struggling, and find it hard t breath, and have accumulated so little or so much, that that fall/evaporation of self t that degree bac to the checkpoint, just completely alliterates what I've stood as, and that I therefor can't get back up, brush off my shoulders, and walk through everything that allowed myself t push me back.
Now within all of this, there's clearly a shown problem, a big problem, because I've accepte dead allowed myself to create such anegative to falling, that there's now dimensions within falling, and so not only do I require standing back up from what I fell from, I require also touching the other dimensions it him falling in itself, and even require walking through practicing falling multiple times untill I see the counter productivity of its true nature, and not giving into e easyness of acting in falling only more, even though I've come to such an extent I thin this process, and can see hat I've proven t myself, and see the abusive outcome of giving in.
So, unfortunately for my well being I've accepted and allowed this point to accumulate to a time where I require sleep I thout beng absolutely exhausted and causing more of his point. So a point of patients to my learnt extent will be required here, and also breathing through, for the impatience I've had and the patience have been yet fully utilized.
So allot to be done here, allot t be looked at, and what will I do, fuss, wine, as if that will change who I am, or get back up, practically, not as a polarity point, but here, and change the next step to make sure it doesn't occur again, and then fall again, and get back up, and change. So, therefor I ill give brief self direction for this point, and t continue schedule, continue physical participation, and breathing here,
I commit mysef to make the next schedule for tomorrow, on what I will participate I thin, what I will write, and within this looking at where I've left off before I allowed myself t fall.
I commit myself t lay down, breath, and come back fully here, to us give myself stable directin t standing again.
I commit myself to apply sf/SCS within the points that led to falling here, and thus focus on this point primarily tomorrow.
I commit myself to now,, pick up e kitchen real quick, and then make the schedule, and g to bed.
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