Expecting attention for my expression as life, to suppress what I essentially not end on manifesting as mind

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself without having social repreccusions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to protect the moments when I find myself expressing myself here, through trying to tell others, through trying to give it this attention as ifi need to validate my expression through somebody else telling me its ok.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not realize that I have compromised my expression throughout my life with protected notions from when others would tell me that what I was doing with no thought at the time was wrong, and so learning that expressing myself was wrong,and then questioning myself within what ever expression I would be making here in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus fear writing, with fear of losing these repreccusions to suppress.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have gone unstable in the past week or two and become in a big rush to try to protect my position of this fear of expression. I'm commited to not makefurther excuses that because I have unlocked this point within what causes me to be unstable, that this must mean I won't become unstable again, or potentially unstable.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that in all points of trying to obtain an image or convey an image within my physical expression, will inevitably deminish the physical effectiveness within that expression.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted myself as life within this process of overcoming the point of expecting approval for my expression, and thusi forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have self sabotaged myself as long as I've been within my journey to life process, when I find myself having a reaction, and taking it personal when I have an extended time of deminished expression.

 Forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create self interest within my expression to protect myself from walking through the points of fear, and falls, and conflict, and whatever the outcome may be.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to profess love and light and create beautiful pictures, and en become inevitably less effective within my process due to the fact of trying to protect the situation and version of my mind bubble.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus end up drifting off into delusion when writing, as if I'm getting to some special point within my process where I can fulfill these pictures, and 'finally' fulfill my desires.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these desires are not an intention of controlling others and beating others from fear of expression, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to verify my fear relationships through desires.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that I need to help others understand my expression for them to understand their self destruction, and thus I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to exploit myself within my expression to give myself the energy to compromise others awareness of what I've walked through within this process,and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of what I've walked through, to go and control others and abuse others for the sake of fulfilling a supression from my own expression/self forgiveness statements/ responsibility/art/exercising etc.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable wi expressing myself wiout the drive of having others pay attention to me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus feel guilty for expressing myself here in this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse, that because its too hard to walk through this point, then I must go and pot things on fb to try to hope that others are like on the same page, to thus create a void of discovering myself, thus this being but another expression, that requires me overcoming having others pay attention to me, verify my expression.

I'm commited to slow down here as breath, and continue investigating this point and slow down my mind from wanting to rush throu the blog..

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect someone else to express for me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus create this attachment to others who are doing it, to create the idea that I will soon be that way.

I forgive myself that I've thus accepted and allowed myself to want to rush through this blog, as the manifestation of my mind wanting to have that quick fix come, that time where ill be one and equal, when I can't even write a blog me and equal without wanting to go off and do something self interested.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create resistance to physical participation, and keep wanting to just have these little last bits of energy to feed my mind.

I forgive myself tht I've accepted and allowed myself to thus relate self interest to my writings to try to get through those points the quickest to gain this goal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus misconstrue the schedule I've made to help me with physical participation. As diverse events, with one event more fun than the other.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus consider what's best for my mind only, and thus obviously become much less effective within my physical participations, because I'm just trying to protect this energy that isn't real.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus wonder why I have a hard time playing music, when I can't even equally have fun with work, with exercising, its cleaning my house (my schedule.

I forgive myself tht I've accepted and allowed myself t thus create repercussive notions to expression, and thus inevitably create diversity and one being superior than the other expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to harm my body over acting compulsive, and even outrageous sometimes, to protect these repreccusions notions, to hold my power that I've accumulated within my mind in relation to the music, the exercising, working, and cleaning my house, and writing my process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have utilized this point of instability, but instead continued maki excuses in order to kee me in sefinterestnwithin relation to what I've been confronting.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that when I'm rushing through my writing to fulfill a point of accomplishment, I am setting myself up to become unstable again.and to

----- self corrective statements and further self forgiveness will be in part 2 (switched to HTML)

Day 53 - fear of death, the ultimate void. And general lazyness

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cover up the fact that I'm going to die at any moment of breath throu conveying images of myself, conveying this superior idea of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cover up the true suffering I accept and allow within myself through positivity, which is ultimately founded by the fear of death.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate world events of war to nuclear war as who I am, as ifi must protect myself within my family, my culture, and all aspects of that why I grew up in, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to protect simply memories, just conciousness and us fear death, the ultimate inferior state the ego experiences.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my self responsibility through trying to convince myself that because I have done this extended amount of responsibility, then I some how have the excuse to save sme convenience to hide in.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have been thus only making it harder for myself to walk my process through procrastination and then once I get emotionally driven and feel this sort of insanity I end u self sabotaging myself to feel better in my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen and what I will go through ifi give up self interest in all directions, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as life and breath through my journey to deminish and eventually completely dissipate these concious states, from the point of wanting to merely save them, and fear losing the,, and thus win this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create e fear of walking through the inconvenience, simply as an excuse to not give up the beliefs, the illusions that I've accepted and allowed myself to protect myself in this current world system.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear walking my process, to fear not having a purpose, to fear not having the illusion of superior than another.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make e excuse that others will attack me for it, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and walk through all points whether high or low, regardless of what resistance I face, what falls I make.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing self interest within my ohysical participations.

Guitar, music:  I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create procrastination from walking through e points of self interest within playing guitar, and thus become lazy within my schedule that I've set to play my guitar.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus catagorize guitar as something special, something more fun than any other participation, from the perspective of only wanting to control others through playing guitar to protect what I fear as a living expressions, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go onto YouTube videos to watch other artists play guitar and obsess over their music throughpositivelove and light energy.

I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to not walk through my actual life with guitar within self honesty, but instead have listened to others as a way of creating a void of my responsibility, and thus equally my expression with playing guitar, which requires responsibility to play it to beggen with, just picking one up is a responsibility, and this I forgivemyselfthat I've accepted andallowedmyself to catagorize challenges as negative or positive to protect the quick fix images that I've manipulated guitar and music in general with.

I'm commited to stop the Internet use when my schedule says not to, unless required for assignments and desteni related, and listening to music and browsing guitars simply to fulfill a high from images and sound.

I'm commited to thus push throu e inconvenience of not doing this, and writing myself out when and when I'm not playing guitar/music.

I'm commited to stop comparing myself to other musicians and people who enjoy music and playing it, only to supress the self destruction within my own relationship to music.

I'm commited to thus continue writing out my physical participation to guitar, which means following the schedule actually and not just having this tomorrow attitude all the time.

Exercising: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have to be driven by a fantasized image to exercise.

I forgive myself that I've accepted andallowedmyself to not realize that this easily manipulated my bodies performance, and the schedule I've made to exercise to only fulfill e fantasized body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to this just be vaguely knowledgable with what's good for my body instead of really researching and taking thati ego do some adjustments, or no adjustments if not needed, but in the sense of being self honest wi keeping it stationary as is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate competition to being healthy, to working out, to doing vigorous cardio.

I forgive myself that I've thus not accepted and allowed myself to really enjoy working out here in the physical, instead of constantly thinking up fantasies of how my performance will make me money and give me this image.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being the way m body is now, or fantasies about.

I forgive myself for fearing being fat, and a little just not being as lean as I'm fortunate enough to have from genetics.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have abused my body with the notion that I don't require calorie restriction, or 8 hours of sleep all the time because 'I'm younge' and I have this body audits just who I am. Win this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this whole body image protection is all from junior high and male adults and media, and is all nothing but what others have said, and I simply related the symbolism to myself and defined myself as that symbolism.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for excersising, for playing guitar, for wanting to play sports.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I require just being whati fear and that I deserve not to be expressive, or enjoy my body in eating and exercising.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus relate what I enjoy to this competition drive, at somehow there always has to be this other person thereto beatin order for me to move, to enjoy myself, thus I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to be honest that I am brainwashed with definitions that aren't real, that I am brainwashed wi a hire simulation of myself to cover up my own self destruction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus hold back to the destruction that limits other living expressions, which my point of fearing expressing myself while living is just aspects to cover up the ultimate limitation to expression in this world - death. Tus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death to protect myself under e survival of competition that causes death. I'm therefor commited to follow my schedule tomorrow, simply. I'm commited to thus write out hen I get super emotionally driven, Amanda or calm down untill I can walk throu writing more clearly. I'm commited to walk through the points of lazyness that I merely create to protect my energy selfINTEREST drive to doing things, and the excuses within it that I keep myself trapped within my mind to be lazy and un effective as a physical expression. I'm commited to thus stop creating voids through having the image of another person in my mind to impress with what I'm doing, thus I'm commited to follow my schedule to walk through the points of participating within this. I'm commited to write a blog at the end ofthe week of my limitation within my process in itself, or when in points of wanting to judge others for not walki the process I'm walking within. I'm commited to start investigating how I drive myself throu images, and how when I start becoming mind resistant, that this leads to masturbation, to verify my position win self interest and images, which porn specifically being a way to sort of like pat the lighter forms of images on the back to comfort them, like my mom holding me at night or excusing my abuse as a child, etc. I'm commited to thus investigate how I use what I enjoy within this form of sort of stroking my dick to make myself feel better from whati accept and allow as inconvenience,n which is only but a reflection of the abuse I've allowed within this world. I'm commited to now gather myself for bed, and walk through these points. I'm commited to go to the forum when/if I have a fall through masturbation or extensive procrastination, from writing or falling of the schedule in general. I'm commited to thus star walking rough the limitations from walking my journey to life, which is the ultimate responsibility of accepting my death.

Day 52 - falling within my physical participations

So It seems after work, I have a pattern of making the excuse that I can 'do whatever I want'. So, I have on my weekly schedule of physical participation t check the Internet for no more than 30 minutes, which ve taken advantage of the Internet as a void tonight, and now I'm up facing the resistance at 6:00 in the morning. So in consequence ill be held back on the points that I found within my physical participation already. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not blog my points out, but instead take advantage of my time by looking up YouTube videos and compulsive fb use. I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to try to drift off into fantasies and self interest after working, to tr to gain back the emotional attachment of self interest. I forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to gointo this pattern of compulsive behavior and where I becme in a rush and start obsessing over certain things as the inconsistency and cognitive dissonance that I allow within creating voids and escapism. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body and to be me mentally unstable the more I go through this pattern of protecting self interest. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create self sabotage within falling, as if its too late, I'm a failure, only to kee my self trapped within this pattern. I forgive myself that've not accepted and allowed myself to currently breath, relax, understand that I had a fall, and simply now is the time to sleep, and continue my day and start with the schedule again tomorrow and figure out why I had fallen. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not follow my schedule tonight, but instead drift off into my mind energy patterns. Thus I'm commited to continue the schedule as is. I'm commited to find myself here in this moment, tired, and needing to sleep. I'm commited to slow myself down and continue breathing. Im commited to wake up at 2:30, drink some coffee, dust my house, play music, write out my ohysical participation within music, work, write my physical participation with working, come home. I'm commited to specifically use the Internet currently at this time after work, and will check the following - fb messages, get off Facebook, check emails, blog, and if I don't pass the 30 minutes when done with bogging, I can listen to music, look at instruments online, watch a video or two on YouTube, basic things I usually use as voids. I'm commited to write after using the Internet as a physical participation, and the points within using the Internet I'm commited to slow down, breath, go to bed.

Day 51 - fear being alone in this world in all ways - deluding myself through attention desire

So in the past weeks I have been gradually coming to this point, and it seems I keep telling myself this as f to cover up the reality that I'm still much trapped in many dimensions within is delusion, as if to keep myself in this delusion. So the next point that triggered this for me, is music. I remember actually having a reaction from a kid who was riding down my alley - while i was dumping trash - on a bike and he said something and I thought it was towards me so I said what's up to him. I didn't see the boy behin him which he was talking to, and he simply old me he was talking to him while passing by. Immediately I had e reaction as if my dad was yelling at me for making a mistake, simply a calm respond from the kid and this comes up. So I was about to clean sme more in my house, but this led me to just blowing off existing and sweeping for tomorrow, which I made this as an excuse, and then went to playing guitar. Now I've set up a nice schedule for when I play guitar, which I was supossed to clean the house first though,minutes I just went with what I made more convenient. So anyways I started finishing up learnig a song, but within this I slowly noticed that there was alittle of this point of wanting this audience,more tending there is an audience, just having to drive myself with energy when playing music. So after I was done, I was going to write, but then of course I went on the Internet instead as a void from doing so, then I went and looked at more guitars, videos, anything to stay mind busy. I eventually came to the point of self interest point, where I tried to verify this point of self interest, of money frm making music, of fame, all the fantasies.

So this is clearly a point of trying to have others verify my expression for my, in fear of being humiliated, in fear of having this somehow taken away from me, where I have to gain attractiveness from females, be complimented and praised for my shit.

I've noticed that what goes around comes around, as in, all my relationships will cycle with my preprogrammed patterns, all equally limiting, but just some fit the convenience and other parts don't. Like writting, writing does not fit the convenient point, because I'm facing myself to stop convenience, to stop self interest and supression. So, how does my very aloneness come into this, well, my writing process, playing music, eating, exercising, shiting, dieing, everything happens alone, but regardless of how I've proved this to myself through what I've changed in myself, it seems that I keep wanting to hold on to my relationship with these things, but these things aren't real, the relationships I mean, because, after all, they are depictions of my imagination, the image - mi - nation, its the image of my nation, nationalism, my culture, my family, its all brought down to the nation, which, like, fearing losing these relationships, is like when I was a child and I would be shared shitless if I got lost in a store, like really, I would think that I was about to die if I didn't find my mom, because I everyone was a stranger my parents told me, I had no education what to do, but the result was just fear of losing my parents, completely irrational, because why, I was preprogrammed to be dependent on the relationship that they conditioned my with.

My mom: with my mom, she would be constantly around, constantly video taping me, constantly holding me, constantly babying me, just doing everything to my convenience at least 95% of the time.

My dad: my dad would 75% of the time be yelling at me, hitting me, telling me I can't do anything, getting mad at me for making mistakes, griping my neck and forcing me around when I was with him at the groceries store because I was super active as a child. So, what did I do, I ran straight to mom and stayed around her away from dad as much as possible, so I would always run away from dad to stay around mom. When they got divorced, I think this is when I really got influenced by this, and once I started growing onto this cognitive resonance as I was growing up, because of how fucked up shit was with my parents, and my relationship to them. When I started getting older, I had more f the independent choice to stay with my mom, so anytime I was asked to go over there at my dads, I would immediately say no. In fact, there was a 3 year process where I just couldn't wait till I was 13 to be able to choose to live with my mom permanently under my own free will.

It seemed that I lacked the necessary education therefor from my mom, of how to be considerate, common sense, because I was so fucking concerned on the convenient escape from my father, the stress, the physical reality of the situation between my father, and I didn't know how to deal with it but resent my mom for not have done anything to stop his bullshit constant aggression towards every expressive move I made it seemed around him. Like I essentially knew all the convenience and the different polarities growing up were fucked up, but I just didn't know how to match everything together with just having these patterns control me so much, its why I hated school, because I was so focused on how to move as an expression win this pattern as these two completely opposite polarities and felt limited as fuck to express myself that I would either be abusive and justify with the fact that it was my expression, or I might of had the oppurtunity of a self honest expression and the pattern took over with needing attention for my expression.

So, basically I really require my dads approval, I require the males not tell me I'm shit at guitar, and the females to like comfort me with praises.

I remember when I lovd dancing. I remember a point where I had a recitle, and I had fun, just danced and then went to get something to eat, and my mm just was on my ass about how much she loved me and how much I was good and everyone who thought the same and just this constant bragging towards me in my ear untill I have into it, and then it seemed the more I payed attention t that the less effective I became, especially once I started junior high school.

So, I'm stuck here untill I face these dimensions of my parents, the 7 year process, everything that I've lived off of throughout my existence as the image and likeness of my nation, my parents, my imagination, and the hardest thing for me to face is being alone without the protection of this illusion of who my parents are, and I will make all excuses in relation t the patterns of my parents, and I will procrastinate with the patterns from k parents, and I will abuse and will not care for the patterns of my parents. I have the tools, and I'm not willing to in fact use them as me because of the patterns of my parents. Like, I have a pare of personalities that I've rented until my death, like, who I was before my biological mom and dad fucked and before that I was this here, just not this form, and in this forgive rented a pare of illusions to abuse my form and then ill fucking die and have left the consequences for other forms and then this form will just form into other shit and feed the earth, and then maybe nuclear war will happen during my life or after and then the earth will lose its current form and die into something else after the extensive abusen the life on it experienced as their forms, and Im making that consequence irrelavent from me only to make what's really irrelavent relavent to escape as the pare of rented illusions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to require others to give me attention in order to supress the fear of them humiliating me or attacking me.

I forgive myself that ive accepted andallowedmyself to deminish my communication with others that I know could be intamite with the patterns of fearing ring attacked for expressing myself.

use I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed,yield to resent males around me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t want to hurt males around me for attacking me in the reflection of how my father attacked me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I a, my fathers design, I rented his design and expression along with ,y moms.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want t have this deep connection with everyone t somehow prove to them that I'm friendly and wnt hurt them, when my very intent is to control them to supress the fear of them controlling me.


I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself to verify this by going on Facebook and taking advantage of my process through trying to make this false image that I care about others deeply when I only intend on controlling them as this cnvenience I received from my moms side to supress the reality of me wanting to control others from my fathers side. I forgive myself that've accepted and allowed myself to resist further writing in fear of facing all directions of dishonesty and facing my physical relationships equally with my dishonesty. I forgive myself that I've thus accepted and allowed myself to try to verify isolation and delusion to supress from what I fear expressing myself within in fear of being attacked for whatif doing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that because others have this aspect that must mean that I can't change myself as what I've accepted and allowed to be means this designof a false face, of something I'm not and pretend to be to protectmyselfnasan Mage in fearnofnothersnattacking me, in fear of the system. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to stop this equal suffering for others, I require using what I've learned from this experience with desteni as they have walked throu to help me, like bernard walked through completely alone without help to help potentially billions of people, that I require walking through my hardships, my fears, my suffering even physically which I wouldn't doubt could very well be the reality in the future, maybe even near future. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not walk through my inconsiderate nature as energy and ego to understand what it means to actually care, to actually thus care for myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to paint myself wi pretty pictures of looks as a resemblance of how I care, when in fact I use this as a way to only protect my survival in a using others, in abusing women specifically, to control them to like me and trust me so I can verify this image and likeness of abuse. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuses that because no body else cares about whatif doing,that that must mean I should stop because I'm not getting approvals thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only make a further excuse, which within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the mind will excuse itself to stay alive in all ways, like walking by a person, you bump int the person and have the friction, butmjustmexcuse them, like thoughts bump into eachother naturally and excuse eachother to keep walking and accumulating more thoughts. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus be driven to write out my accepted and allowed nature from the driving point of having others try t verify my nature of my preprograming, us I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have looked as others and everything else but me as too big for me, like I can't do anything, I'm powerless, my dad said so, and my mom verified it through being passive and with love and light, and look what that fucking does. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to cry to realese the abusen feel from my father, to get depressed and to get the mother soothing supression deception that 'everything's ok, he just slammed you against the stair case while picking you up from your hair, but everything's ok, just suck my fucking tit. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed this completely unhealthy behavior within myself, and have allowed myself to continue trying t keep myself fucked in this point of just being conditioned to what's convenient, and just having the moment of good feeling and then going to the point of fear to go to the point of love and so on. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think I'm not good enough to walk my process, that the other destonians are better than me and that I am worthless, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not walk through this pattern of that I'm not good enough and am just weak and that there is nothing I can d to change myself but just wallow in self pity from the fear, instead of facing the fear, like, not allowing myself to be effected by resistance through walking through what relates to those patterns. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the belief tht I'm strong, this idea from movie pictures of lifting up and thus I forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself t want to defeat my fears instead walk through them, thus I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to walk through the resentment of my father, or my mom, I'm commited to continue following the schedule I made and to not fall back into mind wants and resistance. I'm commited to stop the resentment of others as if they are the cause for my suffering, when I'm only experiencing and intense reflection of my father and mother towards others. I'm commited to stop dwelling on my fathers shit only to keep myself stressing with my mothers supression of my fathers shit. I'm commited to stop wanting to cry and have nervous breakdowns to supress the fear and t keep myself comfortable in my own shit. I'm commited to stop being enslaved and feeling good about being enslavedbecauseive accepted and allowed myself to stroke my dick with others in the system who've yet to walk the processin merely privileged to discovermt be walking to help the less fortunate. I'm commited to walk through the point of what it means to actually walk through the mind, to go beyond limits of the mind regardless. I'm commited to understand the ent some sudden breakthrough, but a step by set process, because things take time to develop in the physical, and thus im commited to learn how to take it easy in the physical participation of work, music, exercise, writing, cleaning house, organizing things, but not being easy for my mind. I'm commited to thus write out for 10 minutes after each participation, and at the end of the day write my blog, and discover how I relate to these physical points. I'm commited to start thus considering the physical, and not diverging it to get some mind high to please my old patterns, but actually changing these points to change myself to equalize myself and thus change his world for what's best for all. When I find myself in heavy resistance, emotional,n raving for attention, craving for sex, my mother figure from the father, the stress, I will slow down with whati am participating here physically, and walk through to start investigating how I operate physically be comparing one point to what I experienced my father in relation to the though, and then go to how I supress this fear with the mother, and then forgive myself once I've actually slowed down, and become more stable. When I find myself become way overwhelmed and just not stopping in my mind, and just overwhelmed with everything. I will breath, I will relate this to how I've perceived myself as powerless due to my father attacking me for so much of my expression, and then seeing how I make excuses to supress this through the mother figure to just not walk through the fear I experience from my father. I'm commited to focus on what ive set for myself here, and to not fall off into some other points to protect myself from somehow failing, and us I commited to slow myself down with creating this as convenient. I'm commited to walk through how I make physical effectiveness into this acknowledgment point of being confident within a self interest point, and how this relates to my fear of punishment for expression from my childhood throughout school, and my parents. I'm commited to wak through to becoming therefor effective wi my commitments and actually considerate and not driftmoffminto my mind where I only try to protect this little bit of convenience. Therefor, I'm commited to go to bed, listen to some music, and sleep and slow down here.

Obsessed, self sabotage, give up.

S recently I have gotten to the point of emotionally being driven. Where I just want to go back to the old relationships and just give up because I've tried and tried and I just keep failing and others around me don't like me etc. It is even in my words currently, because since I'm not experiencing self interest within writing, aparantly this means that I should not be writting anymore, that because I'm not personalizing myself within my process as much anymore, and I'm not getting these ego motivations, that its just a waists of time. So essentially this is just lazyness, excuses, and this has been causing me to be quite inconsistant in the past days, and becoming very emotional and crying. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify my old relationships within writting them out, because I'm not getting a feeling or release as much anymore from writting myself out. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that coming back here to the physical doesn't require mind polarity, or a belief. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to this become confused in my own created belief of what it means to be living here physically. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility without an emotional drive. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t have an emotional attachment to others acknowledging me within my process, and then start creating is outburst of voids towards other people to try to protect myself as this image of knowing better than others. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by thus trying to catch all points within myself at once, just to please another being. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become lazy within my process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use a self image as a boost to continue doing a ring when I'm essentially Lazy as a being to actually do it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to just give up and not care, not realizing that is apathy is the result of forcing myself through mental instability to gain a high that I am accomplishing something. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is exactly the pattern built from my fathers influence. Where he would constantly yell at me and say this is wrong and this is wrong and get mad at me for making mistakes, and I would try and try and try and become emotional and kee trying,untill I just gave up and stopped giving a fuck about what he wanted me to do. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t not be self honest with the fact that this apathy is only a supression if my fear to actually work, to actually express here physically. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within direction due to this lazyness, to this point of losing the ego drive. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have always intended on just beating someone in something when wanting to participate in expression. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest that its the reason why I've always been so inconsistant in mylife, and why I could never participate in something alone. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being lane, and notin prisoner to memory patterns, and then feeding off of my own accepted enslavement. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is how my father would decieve me into verifying that I'm a loser, that I suck, that I can never do anything fit, where he would yell at me untill I would break down, and then show me this love affection, pretty much making me feel better and better for him fucking with me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this reaction to everything I do at some point, and want to get this reaction from others, and en just fuck myself more into the deceptive relationships. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my relationship wi females is this way, as with my mother. Where I will easily be able to sow them this image without much resistance, and take power over them through showing something that I essentially fear actually doing. I'm commited t further utilize this point when I wake up frm sleeping. I'm commited to after this make a schedule of writing t not let my mind take course of its schedule and therefor end up fucking myself over days. I'm commited to start discovering what it means to participate in smething, what it means to be alone, to be in co existence to smething, and therefor to already live the validity win a Relationship. I'm commited to discover what I have used to try to get myself back to old relationships over the course of my writing, and why I've gotten to the point of lazyness within the pattern of obsessed, self sabotage, I give up. When I find myself just 'wanting' to go into mind energy drive mode, and give up, I will breath n these moments, and find something to focus on when I'm unavailable to write, therefor I'm commited to start building self direction in more writting, and deminishing the ego within the push to write more, and stabilize the relationship of writing. I'm commited to start focusing on physical relationships within this point to get to know myself within music, conversation, eating, excersising, cleaning, working, sex . I'm commited to stop personalizing my relationship to my process, which means stopping the further competition in relation to this point at my work, and start actually beggeningt invest in talking to co workers without fearing losing myself. I'm commited to slow down now, breath, listen to music, make the schedule, and go to bed.

Expecting others to understand me

So I finally got to this point after reading a YouTube comment when I was chilling to music. It was a stevie ray vaughan idea. I had stated that idololizing him just seems deminishing and I stated that anyone could play it if the played and practiced and applied the right tools. The response that got 12 likes - "Anyone can play this!?LOL you sir obviously do not play guitar . let alone the blues.....SRV was a blues legend son... and don't you ever forget it,,,, ask ya moma she will tell ya... dumb shit." So, within this I experience when I felt confused and this loneliness as a child within situations like this. Where the majority of people would say I'm invalid, and then I would feel left out. So, how does this relate to my workplace. Well, I pretty much was terrified to be attacked for something, what ever I felt was being exploited. I became very nervous and began to cry and now I am back home. So, the point I experience is, I fear expression. I will fear being self honest, because lots of others aren't doing it, others are saying its invalid, at the same time am focusing on a point of fearing being exploited as a badinage to females, and then being attacked by males. Then, when I realize that is pattern causes abusive intentions, I feel guilty, which when I get to extreme points like at work, it only feels more real. So, then, I make the excuse that I just want t give up, everyone is attacking me, they're telling me I'm wrong, they're telling me that I'm stupid, and then I feeli deserve to be uncomfortable with my expression, with living in general. This goes back to my father, big time. I have already layed out the points towards,y father, and of course this will relate to others around me, and I will react to these things as a belief system of who I am, that there is something wrong with me. The point that gets me scared, is actually facing this and not depending on these people, actually being alone scares me, because I can't get someone t verify to me what I'm doing fit or wrong, I actually have to push through these very fundamentally driven emotions, while not depending on others to tell me that its valid that I'm doing this. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to depend on a crowd to tell me that my expression is valid, that I am 'good to go' and 'ok' I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others for exploiting myself under this fear pattern. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor have self blame, and fee guilty for expressing myself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to give up for the feeling of confusion. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to cry to let the feeling of confusion out. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to run away frm the fear of walking through these confusing and emotional points. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to worry what others will think of me if I walk through the process of these points, and therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being attacked. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to rage as a way to let out anger of being 'fed up', like, just manifesting myself for what I've fed in my mind to supress the fear. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for what is best for all life in these moments, and only intend n suppressing the emotions. I forgive use of that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider the physical suffering that is happening in this world where children are actually dieing. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I require taking self responsibility for these fears and emotions through what ever means to stop children from suffering. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider the fact that my very participation in this patterns, and postponement is only allowing the suffering to continue in this world. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus not realize that applying self honesty in all directions is what will complete the effectiveness of self responsibility, instead trying to distract myself with entertainment, and thinking I won't face the consequences. I forgive,myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t thus not have pushed through the confusing points, and legit get to the point of instability and emotional intensity. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and breath when I'm writing, but instead try to please someone who would be watching me write. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self victimize myself when I find myself in a position of self exploitation. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not walk through this point, and pin point what I've accepted and allowed myself to fear others attacking me for.

Day 47 - Wanting light and love, denying the real relationship.

S in the past days, it seems I've been facing consequences of resistance, regardless if I've been writing or not. So I've been facing the point of my relationship with females, and how I've accepted and allowed myself to create this relationships of having to convey this sort of appearance to females, like this 'beautiful' appearance. Last night I had seemed to accumulate mind energy of protecting this inherently to the point of anger, I had cried and yelled twice at work, and so I had to chill out before I could be at least stable enough to work the rest of the night. S it seemed that I'm really willing to abuse others, by making others nervous through raging and crying and just being an asshole and making it more stressful than it already is working in a restaurant for the waiters and waitresses. Sfortunatelyi have not had to work today and get some rest, and so I've caught up on this point with females. Now t cut to chase, what I'm currently experiencing. It seems I'm like at this urg to just give into masturbation, but I can really see the deminsions this time. Like the ascension, the god, the controller and abuser that I want back so badly fom what I had written out before. So, to relate to last night, it seems that by each day, I keep becoming more and more nergy hungry, the more I confront this issue, and the more I have this sort of withdraw from the dose, like a heroin addict who can't have heroin and goes through all kinds of instability with his body. S I want to protect the image, the self image, the energy of having an image which moves me to doing things, instead of just moving myself physically here, but since I won't be recieving a dose of need, that is to inconvenient for me, and I just want to go the easy route in feeding into this image character towards others, towards females. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to convince myself that this mind fulfillment of light and love within females is real. I forgive myself tha I've accepted and allowedmyselfto make the excuse that because I had experienced this light and love with females before, that it must be something that exists. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the void of self expression throu light and love with females. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to tr to obtain the memory patterns of lit and Ove with females, as a at to supress the insecurity that I had experienced from females in the past. I forgive myself tha I've accepted and allowed myself to be on this brink of wanting to follow light and love, or stand up for what is best for all. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make e excuse that 'its too hard' to push throu the energy, the fear, walk throu it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not will myself to give up my convenience, and thus I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself to be willing to abuse others justnso I can get a feeling, an experience of happiness, which is infancy the very cover up for what I fear. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create self interest win my process to try to protect this light and love between myself and females with the image of this intellectual person. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor make my process this personal experience to gain control over females, and thus win the competition between the males. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor make the excuse that because others are participating win this, then that must mean that its ok if I participate in it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not investigate my process through complete self honesty of what I use as self interest within my process. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create fantasies of where I will be in my process, and not coming back here to what's relavent, which is - "ok I experienced this reaction, now I require taking self responsibility for it and deminish it untill it is no more", and therefor wherei will no more abuseothersmin the name of mind energy. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect to move myself through the imagery of his self image in order to write,in order to work, in order to play music. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to just want to run and continue the energy the more I lose both polarities, to try to verify the mind relationships. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am abusing children this way, I'm abusing plants this way, I'm abusing animals this way, throu only wanting to indirectly participate in this world as equal to this world,, throu light and love, self interest greed, and directly effecting those around me, and compromising them from changing within my living example as proof. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to have others change e world for me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to create this image as only a void from actually changing myself t change this world. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually understand that the moment I actually stand up, is the moment wherei can take action through every reaction I face, and not continue to compromise my self responsibility through trying to protect the very relationships that only limit myself as life. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest its the fact that these reactions are only preprogrammed functions to keep me enslaved within the physicals to make me a product of my environment through memories that I've accepted and allowed to define as who I am. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to y and deny the fear that is within me, to try to verify the energetic dependency of light and love. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor try to be dependent on other beings. To try to convince myself that I have to require what the normality is as who i am, and thus through life and love look at the fear that society and culture creates to keep me locked in this trap of having to gain approval of my expression, of being self honest, therefor meaning that I know I am life because ive walked throu this point and this point etc. that I've shown myself that these are lies, that ese reactions are the very cause of my self destruction, because I am only trying to survive as culture, to survive as my sister, my other, my father, my friends, I'm only trying to exist and thus survive as something I'm not, and personality based expression, from the personas that resonate into polarities. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse that simply because no one has come up with the desteni material (which maybe some e did and just didn't have popular access), that must mean that I need to continue depending on society, to continue depending on patterns, that this somehow gives me the excuse to just go and try to be these memorie patterns, which are COMPLETELY lies, because I preprogrammed them in same from the fear I observed from my parents when I had no defense system from this, and then my brain boggled up the imagery and then it deminished my relationship with my physicalselfinevitably since e only memories I had and he patterns that these memories created were of love and light to supress from the abuse, and that was the only way to defend myself, but the fact that I had to defend myself was a false hood, but obviously e fear was well resonant. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor fear being lone, to fear walking this process in fact, because I'm still trying to protect the intense fear I have in compounded memories, and only intend on protecting myself, when there is nothing t protect from to begin with, because all it is is fucking thouts, just memories that have absolutely nothing to do with my expression here,nut because I've accepted and allowed myself to be defined as these momeries, it is only natural as this design to want to verify, and thus I forgive myself that ve accepted and allowed myself t deliberately create the action of pushing through resistance, as a bad thing, when this is only infancy my design perceiving it as bad, because my mind/design sees it as a contradiction to itself. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have to go back not memories of thinking of things bernard said in viseos to push through my writting, therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to idolize Bernard's, to make him greater than I am, and thus inevitably creating a void through actually walking as myself as equal life. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is how my functionality has worked with my father.where he deceived me into all of these lies, to control a woman, to punish her for asking a mistake, to abuse her because she messed up, and then implementing this int me, through saying I messed up, how dare I ese up, and then this then bring the programming "I am a mess up, thereis no way out, just protect myself from messing up" then comes the point of being stuck from changing this very fundamental notion, that I can't do anything valid, that I cannot change the abusive relationships, the very mind itself. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that there's something wrong with me, and then wanting to feed that pattern with protecting myself as this image, like trying to protect myself within my fathers relationship, that I did something eit, and now he will be proud of me for that. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed,used t thus create the notion that I must do this the same way with my process. I need to stay 'beautiful' physically, because others told me this in the past, to supress not being this great godly image to thus fear the bad image of messing up, or of being ugly, just flat out not wanted to be around. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to thus protect mylf within my moms resonance to me. Where she would tell me I'm adorable and cute and at I'm special for this and that, but then tempering her indirect action to stop my father from abusing me, and then just hugging me and then just going back to him as if he's doing nothing wrong, and then just being submissive to him. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame her for whyi feel this way. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be defiant of her and not listen to her, because I never was able to lookup to her for what was right or what was wrong, because my ather punished me, he hit me, he yelled at me, he dragged me holding my hair and slammed me up against the stair case, he gripped my neck and forced me around when we went groceries shopping, and my mom didn't respond, because she was submissive, of course she was the female, he was the man. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor actoutragous and think I can just be outrageous and not have consequences because my mother never stood up to my vp father for his outrage towards me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want t cry, because the confusion I had from this, and at the same time trauma I experienced mentally from like "omg why are they doing this to me, why is my mom and dad pulling my arms and legs and stretching my body this is really fucked up and it hurts allot, but I don't know if I should be punished. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor want to be submissive t males and females and confused on how to talk to them because I don't want to be punished for saying something wrong to them, and then if I experience anything that triggers these emotional patterns, I just want to hurt them emotionally and become the center of attention for them to be submissive to me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take a stand in changing myself to stop this from happening to other children, t stop the child abuse, to stop the world child abuse that even if their was a much healthier relationship and no physical abuseothersmin the child this world will still get to their heads, and they inevitably have to follow. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deny my enslavemtn to males and females/personas, egos, and thus be enslaved fundamentally to my mom and dad. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to keep blaming my mom and dad for the abuse I experienced as a child, and thus give into the very patterns I created frm the abuse I experienced as a child, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed,use ft not realize that light and love is what I supress from these fears I experienced as a child, these points of my parents making me feel helpless and fear expression when I was achild, because I would be punished if I made the wrong move, I had to be submissive to what they told me was valid, t be this adult character, to be what society tells me, to listen to mr president. I forgive myself that've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is irrelavent to what I had experienced, and what is relavent is to change myself from the fear that had happened through these experiences to change who I am as life, and to stop making excuses to dwell on these fears and protect myself as these fears, when I well know at I have the tools to change myself, and then if I ever had a child, I could raise him and not scare the shit out of him with what my father and mother Brought on to me, and not limit his expression and make him fear other people to talk to, to not fear playing music, to not fear to stand alone as he/she had at birth. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I require to change myself through these reactions to stop both mind polarities, and realize that I am only fucking myself in the feari experienced as a child to be submissive t everyone else's bullshit in this world, the bullshit lit and love, the fucking bullshit god and Allah and fucking bullshit spirituality, the bullshit they represent to hide from themselves. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to need approval from these people from the point of trying I tell them to stop hurting me, like saying that the fear memory patterns I went through as a child but just knew was so fucked up, I wanted to tell them "stop fucking hurting me is is fucking ludicrous, but I had no way to put that in a sentence, and then trying to exploit this towards others as if they are the cause for what I experienced as a child, as these memories of being fucked with my whole life, but not knowing how to tell anyone, and us just had to go through and be submissive. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to self victimize myself as a way to supress myself from the very memory patterns of when I had to gointo self victimization to supress the fear I was experiencing from school, from parents. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resent everyone in the current world system and be frustrated that others will tell me that what I'm doing is false, and then want to be condescending orporove to them something. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've been in abusive relationships throughout my life, because the fucked up experiences. Had with my family and thus that only accumulated far worse through my schools and then teachers would unison me, and I just fucking hated everyone. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not slow down in my breath to realize these patterns are false, that they aren't me, and that I can change what I've accepted and allowed I therefor forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as life within these patterns, but to only continue dwelling on the past and to keep surviving. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself t cry from the relief ofthe built up mental pain that I've experienced frm all of these un accounted points. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I'm already living now, that that does not require emotions, because otherwise I am only trying to fool myself into these very fear and submissive patterns again, to supress the reality that I am alone, that I d not require others t tell me what I'm doing is right or wrong. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what will happen if I actually walk through these submissive reactions, the very emotional that I will face and will require t walk through, all alone, without having to keep fearing being enslaved to mom and dad. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped under what my parents presented to me, and not being able to walk away, to stand alone, because I could never leave the house, I could never leave and actually be comfortable, because I had this emotional attachment to receive fear from the dad, and then get supression fom the mom. I forgive myself that've accepted and allowed myself to not benselfhnes that light and love is n fact the trap to keep myself in fear, t kee myself from being alone here, as an expression, without what my parents presented to me, without them having t be there. I forgive myself that've accepted and allowed myself tnot realize,that my father told my that I was inferior as an expression, and then learned that my om for the oust part told me I was superior, therefor I forgive myself at I've accepted and allowed myself to try to show this image to girls, to females, and then at he same time resent them because at the same time I received my moms approval towards y father of what he told me I was, what he expressed to me ohysical whoi was. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get r, very angry frm this reaction, where I don't want to hurt anyone, but I just want to like throw shit at the walls, and just yell, as this way of hurting my dad, of like getting back at him, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to just want to get attention for what I'm experiencing as this pain. Like have somebody somehow experience what I experienced to like show me this sympathy and tell me that I am not inferior, or that it is ok If I play music, it is ok If I can express myself, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into rage and crying as an emotional release to self sabotaging myself from memories of my father telling me how my expression was wrong. I forgive myself active accepted and allowed myself to therefor go into self blame for the reactions I experience, and hating myself for being confused, as if I should be punished for being confused, and therefori forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resent other beings as they punish me, and then try t impress the,. And then when I can't impress them enough, I get outrageous and begin to cry and give up. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize at I've been fooled to what's relavent and what's irrelavent by my own fears, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these emotional experiences of intense resentment towards others is only fear, it is only mind patterns, and thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize at I am only potentially manifesting his and resonating this towards others. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only consider what I experienced emotionally, and continue sly trying to protect myself as this emotion, and not write self forgiveness to take self responsibility to eventually consider my physical environment that doesn't consist of these emotional patterns anymore, these abusive patterns that if accepted and allowed, regardless of what happened and what built up. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this submissive pattern is what I've accepted and allowed to keep me involved in the fear, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the very fear itself will try to keep myself submissive toit through light and love, meaning victimization, blame, self sabotage, and thus eventually ill just start trying to fulfill the specialness of images and pictures t others to protect myself, to say submissive. Part two will further utilize.